Disclaimer – This is probably more of a therapeutic blog for my own sanity, but who knows? Maybe it can be of value to someone out there.
To sum up my feelings right now would only require one word: terrified. Beth is scheduled for brain surgery tomorrow morning. She is the one going under the knife. She has so much more right to be afraid than I do, yet here I sit in her hospital room and I am nearly paralyzed with fear and the feeling gets stronger as we get closer to the time when they will take the love of my life into an operating room to remove a tumor from her brain. Is this selfish of me? I think it is, but I can’t help it.
My world came crashing down around me last night when we got the news. Never in a million years was I expecting to hear the words ‘brain tumor’ with regard to Beth. She’s 35 years old for crying out loud. This stuff doesn’t happen to 35 year old people. Except that it does, and it just did.
Tomorrow promises to be a long day filled with one of my least favorite things to do….wait. If this is my patience test from God, can I skip this one and try a different version? I know that sounds cynical, but it’s not. It’s an honest assessment of where my head is right now. I have to believe that God would rather me be honest with Him about my thoughts on this whole ordeal than to attempt to put on my mask with Him. It’s not like He can’t see through it anyway. In my honesty, I find myself scared, confused, bewildered, and angry. I don’t understand why all of this is happening to Beth.
I could say all the right stuff and come off as super spiritual in the midst of a difficult time. But then I’d be a hypocrite. I do know that Beth does not go into that operating room alone. I know that God goes with her and that He will be with me as I wait. Waiting……I really don’t like that.
Several years ago I wrote these words in a song not knowing that I would be forced to put them into practice in a way I would have never wanted to.
When you wait you will find strength.
When you wait you will find rest.
When you wait you’ll learn to rise above.
And soar through every test.
God help me soar through this test. More importantly, God watch over my baby tomorrow morning.